"You Must Smile"

“You are now older, so now you must smile.

You must sit with your legs crossed and laugh quietly

You must be small and demure and calm and emotionless

A statue

A doll
Perfectly painted; ceramic and cold

For people comment

They whisper and gossip and chitter behind your back
They are cruel and vile
The men will leer and smirk
The women will prosecute with the fury of the gods

But you must not comment
You must fail
You must not falter
And you must smile…”

“Why must I smile, small and fake?

Why can I not cry or rage?

Why can I not wither away into the dust I was born of?

I do not wish to be poised or perfect or dignified.

I do not want to think of the judgement of others when
My own is enough to devour me whole

I am drowning, screaming, grieving, and you ask me to smile?

You can not feel my pain,

This stabbing behind my ribs where every breath is a scrape of a knife.
The blade of my own thoughts slashing and piercing and taunting at every turn.

My mind teases me.

My heart has given up on comforting.

It is wretched and bleeding and I am sick of it
I want to cast it out because it brings me nothing but pain

I am dying.

I am dead.

Let me leave this pathetic existence in pursuit of something better

Where I am not asked to smile.”